


wash away like raindrops

by itsmylifekay



Series: Destroy and Reconstruct [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-07-18
Packaged: 2017-12-20 13:17:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmylifekay/pseuds/itsmylifekay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn stumbles upon a secret from Liam's past that he was never supposed to see. </p>
<p>Or where Liam's hiding something, Zayn finds it, and they begin the first steps to truly moving on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wash away like raindrops

It’s almost cliché, the moment when someone finally notices. It’s the middle of the night, dark and subdued, the remnants of a passing storm dripping down the windows in the form of raindrops, stars twinkling in the newly cleared sky. There’s a movie on low in the background, murmuring voices that barely reach their ears.

Zayn is cuddled up to Liam on the couch, arms and legs and bodies intertwined until Liam’s not sure he could say where one ends and the other begins, but that’s the way he likes it, the way he always wants it to be. Because Zayn is special to him. So, so special.

And so really, in the screwed up reality that is his life, it figures that it’s Zayn who wakes him up with gentle brushes of fingers across his cheekbones, sad eyes staring up at him.

“Liam,” Zayn whispers.

And Liam blinks a few times, shifts slightly under Zayn’s weight, then lets out a small hum to let the other man know he’s awake.

“Liam, babe,” Zayn whispers again, but this time Liam is awake enough to notice the slight shake to his voice.

He glances down and his eyes catch on the way his shirt has ridden up, his pants hanging low off of one hip. Too low. Low enough to expose a smattering of tiny white lines atop purple-ish skin, so obvious in comparison to the rest of his body.

Clenching his eyes shut, he takes in a deep breath, now fully awake and attempting to think of something, anything. “Zayn…” 

“Don’t, Liam. Please don’t lie to me.”

Liam cracks his open just enough to see Zayn’s face, the worry and the fear there. But also the determination. He lets out a sigh of resignation, which Zayn obviously misreads.

“I can see it in your face, Li. You’re thinking too hard. Stop it.” He leans up and nuzzles beneath Liam’s chin, tracing over the stubble on Liam’s jaw with his nose before pressing his lips to a spot beneath Liam’s ear. “Trust me, Liam, _please_.”

And really, there’s no way in the world to stop the shiver that runs up Liam’s spine, or the slight catch in his breathing that he knows Zayn feels. He swallows hard and reaches down to grip Zayn’s hips. “What do you want me to say?” His voice is rugged, both from sleep and from the pain of finally, maybe, coming clean.

Zayn leans back, pulling Liam up with him, but his hand catches in the hem of Liam’s shirt and keeps it lifted, his thumb pushes at the elastic of Liam’s sweats. “Everything,” Zayn murmurs. The pad of his index finger traces lightly over Liam’s scars and that, that’s too much.

His hand covers Zayn’s and tugs it away, but Zayn doesn’t miss a beat, tangling their fingers together and stroking his thumb over the back of Liam’s hand, leaving trails of heat that slowly trickle up icy veins. Liam drags in another breath before shifting a bit, leaning into the arm Zayn had thrown across his shoulders, placing their interlocked hands on the thigh that was resting against his own. “I don’t do it anymore,” is all that he managed to whisper, looking at the ground a few feet in front of the couch, head turned completely away from Zayn’s probing eyes.

“Okay…” And Zayn’s voice is so cautious, _too_ cautious. And Liam fears he’s ruined everything. Because no one was ever supposed to find out. Not after he had almost forgotten about it himself.

“It’s not really a big deal, just something I did when I was younger.”

Maybe, maybe he could still just play it off.

“Liam.”

But of course not, because this was Zayn, and Zayn always just seemed to _know_ things, even when everyone else was in the dark.

“Alright,” he sighs. “Alright…but I really don’t know what to say.”

Zayn’s lips purse together, into that pout which seem to increasingly haunt his dreams, and then fingers are hooking beneath his jaw, tilting his head up so that they’re staring at each other, only inches away. Raindrops continue to drip down the window as Zayn’s fingers glide back and smooth through the hair at the nape of his neck. Liam forgets how to breathe.

“Then just start from the beginning, from the very first time.” Because that’s how all stories should begin, isn’t it?

Liam shakes his head minutely, gripping tighter to Zayn’s hand before murmuring. “I don’t remember, really. It was in secondary school and I just felt terrible and I remembered reading about how some people would do it and it would help so I thought I’d give it a go. Don’t really remember the specifics.”

Because really, those years are just a blur of pain and agony that Liam’s glad to have forgotten.

“But it helped you? If you kept going, I mean.” Zayn’s voice is so soft, a genuine curiosity mixed in with the pain.

Liam lets out a strained laugh. “No, actually, the first few times were horrible. It hurt like hell, and yeah the burn helped me forget, but in the end life came back and I just felt guilty about it all. You’re always told how wrong it is so, I always felt a little sick afterwards.” Zayn’s hand is still steady in his so Liam pushes on. “But after awhile, you find some way to validate what you’re doing, and then you’re gone. Maybe, deep in the back of your mind somewhere, you know that it’s all just a bunch of lies, but on the surface you no longer care. The guilt’s gone, so suddenly it’s okay.”

At that Zayn does swallow, obviously forcing back a question, letting Liam finish, knowing that if he were to stop him now, the moment would be gone.

“I was always safe though, knew I had to be, figured I was being smart about it so it wasn’t much of a problem. I kept everything sterile, cut in inconspicuous places, made sure the bloodied tissues were flushed down the toilet…I did everything I could. No one ever found out. It was perfect.”

His voice dies down to a whisper, the last murmur making something cold settle into the pit of Zayn’s stomach. Raindrops are glistening against the glass, tiny stars trapped down on Earth. Zayn’s voice cuts through the silence that had wrapped around them. “But you stopped.”

Liam nods wordlessly.

“ _Why_?” And Zayn’s voice is filled with wonder, but Liam can also sense the fear, the unasked questions of: _Did something happen? Did you find something else?_

“Because I wanted to. I was tired of feeling that way.”

Zayn chews on his bottom lip for a moment, a nervous gesture that leaves Liam squirming a bit against the cushions, even within the heavy atmosphere. “Did you…did you see somebody? I’ve never seen you take medication…”

And even though he knows Zayn’s just being curious, trying to wrap his head around everything, it still hits Liam like a punch in the gut. _Medication._ He shakes his head and gently pulls his hand away, pushing back and putting a few beats of space between them. “No, I realized it was pointless, asking for help. I told four people, and in the end they all made it worse. Not intentionally, but it was enough to make me stop hoping to be saved and do something myself.”

He turns his head and digs his now-empty fingers into his thigh, because some habits are impossible to break. “The first person I told asked if I was on drugs, if I was messed up in the head. We were both kids then, so I don’t blame them for reacting the way they did, but it still hurt. Especially since I thought we were in love, and love isn’t supposed to be like that, is it?”

“The second person was almost worse, because when I told them they didn’t do anything. Even when they saw the cuts and the scars, it was just…nothing. Like it didn’t matter. And even though I had been telling myself it didn’t matter, to have someone else not care…that stung. Because what was I worth if the person I was dating couldn’t be bothered with how I was destroying myself?”

“By then, I was fed up with love and relationships, and people pretending to care. The following year I met someone else, and we were just friends this time, but I still loved them to pieces. And I was clean for almost a year. Then everything fell apart, they couldn’t take what I was doing, cared too much. We had…”

Liam’s eyebrows scrunch together and he lets out a choked sound. “We had made a promise, that I would tell them when I cut but in return they couldn’t freak out. Well, the deal fell apart, and so did I. The cutting was worse than ever. I had never really left lasting scars before, never bothered going too deep, but this time…almost all of the scars I have now are from that time.”

“The fourth person…was just a friend as well. And they cared, was upset about what I was doing, but refused to help. They said if I was so weak that I couldn’t do it myself, then there was no way that they could do anything for me. All of the rest of my scars are from the weeks following.”

He looks up at the ceiling, fighting back wetness prickling beneath his skin. “It was one night when I was lying up in bed that I realized how pointless it all was, and I decided to do things myself. So I went online, where the bloody idiotic idea had started, and looked for ways to end it. I wrote in journals, meditated, gave myself little personalities who I could talk to in my head, I resolved to be happy. For myself. And I swore to never tell anybody ever again.”

“I still haven’t.” Outside, the last drop of water falls from the windowsill. Liam opens his eyes, not remembering having closed them, and lets Zayn wipe the tears from beneath his lashes.

“You still haven’t…” Zayn echoes. His eyes are sad and his hand is cautious as he reaches towards Liam, threading their fingers together again, the contrast of caramel and cream doing things to Liam’s insides. He bites down on his lip, worrying it for a moment, before seeming to find a resolve and looking Liam in the eyes. “But now I know anyway.”

“Yeah…” Liam trails off, not sure of what to do at this point. Because once again, someone knows. He almost feels empty. Like his body is filled with that tingling numb sensation of coming out of anesthesia, pins and needles fuzzing over his mind.

Strong, lean arms wrap around him and Liam finds himself cradled against a chest, rocked gently to the beating of Zayn’s steady heart. “I’m so proud of you, Li. You’re so brave.” Zayn’s fingers are in his hair now, rubbing at his scalp, but his other hand is still firmly within Liam’s grasp. “You’re so strong, doing that all by yourself.”

And for once, Liam does feel strong. Because he made it. Through all of the trials and tribulations, through heartbreak and havoc, rebuilding himself from the ground up until finally landing at today. With Zayn. And he isn’t waiting to be saved, doesn’t need someone to pick him up. And when Zayn’s arms tighten around him, Liam has the courage to squeeze back and press his lips to the hollow of Zayn’s collarbones, letting out a breathy laugh while kissing across golden skin.

And maybe he won’t tell Zayn now, and ruin this moment, maybe he won’t even tell him tomorrow when they wake up a tangle of hands and limbs and memories. Maybe he’ll wait until next week, next month, the end of their tour, but in the end he _will_ tell him, and that in itself is enough to send Liam’s heart soaring.

Because he loves Zayn.

And he has the strength to tell him, the courage to hear whatever the answer may be.

Moonlight’s falling softly through the window, illuminating the tear tracks stringing silently down Zayn’s cheeks. He presses a kiss to the top of Liam’s head, sighing as lips ghost across his chest, and feels a tiny damn he had built up in his heart break away. Because now Liam’s ready. He had always known there was something holding Liam back, a small piece of himself Zayn could never hope to touch, but here he had stumbled upon it, and destroyed the last barrier keeping his feelings at bay.

Liam’s finally ready to be loved, and Zayn is more than happy to give him everything he needs.


End file.
